| (no subject) |
[Jul. 18th, 2005|08:12 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Watching-Looney Tunes | ] |
Sometimes I just really want to sit down and write a book, an autobiography, a book about everything that has ever happened that pertains to me in my life. That would be one long book, maybe just stick to the stuff I've fucked up, still a long book.
These past few days I've been thinking, I know that eventually I'll want to have kids. I know I'm going to be doing the same thing everyones parents does to them, 'When I was your age...*enter story here*'. But what am I going to say, am I going to have to lie. My moms stories she talks about are around 'When I was your age we weren't eben ALLOWED to date? I wasn't even allowed a boyfriend until I was 17, and I still had to have a chaperone!' What the hell am I supposed to say 'Well when I was you age, kids, I moved out, did drugs, sold drugs, was an alcoholic and addicted to cigarettes, and been pregnant twice! All by the age of 17! So you better get going to catch up...' If Jeremiah isn't the person I marry I don't think I'll tell the person I do marry my past. Would you? It's all so personal, it's all so fucked up. Maybe when I'm 30 I'll look back and not regret it but right now I care about what I'll think then. I can't stop what I'm doing, I don't regret it now, I don't even think about it now, but what I do think about is things like this, in 20 years what will I think of the me now. Will I be able to live with myself and move on, or box it up, never look back, and be the empty shell of a wife and mother because of the things I am fucking up now.
This really doesn't have anything to do with the above but I went to a party the other day but could only stay until midnight whereas Jeremiah could. So these 16 year old girls come in while I'm still there andI get immediately pissed off. I'm thinking to myself, what the fuck are these 16 year old sluts doing here? Then I just laugh at myself, 3 weeks ago I was 16, I've been going to these parties since I was 15. I got so defensive because I was no longer the youngest one. I'm always the youngest, I take pride in being the youngest. Most of the people were between 19 & 21 and here I am, give me the attention, I'm a 17 year old fuck up, that's why I'm here. Love me! You know? It's so pathetic, then I was leaving and I was so scared Jeremiah was going to cheat on me, he said he'd leave if I wanted him to but I didn't want him to, I wanted to trust him. I was scared, so scared that he was going to cheat on me and I was thinking, my life is going to be over. But why? Why do I act that way when barely a week before I cheated on him...with two different guys. I expect him to be faithful to me but I can't hold the favor. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 15th, 2005|07:41 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Watching-Tom and Jerry | ] |
I can't believe it...I just can't believe it. Okay so when I was with John friday night he he told me he wanted me to go over Aarons house on Sunday so he could 'make out with me and shit' so I'm like okay. So Saturday I read in his xanga-he's found a new girl, finally, and blahblahblah its so nice to be wanted, blahblahblah and she's 18 and her name is Ashely Smith. So I'm like okay well Im not going to bother calling him or going to Aarons, cuz thats just retarded. So today Jeremiah is telling me about Wes's last night and how Ashely Smith pissed off his cousin and I was like WOAH WOAH WOAH ASHLEY SMTH!? And he was like yeah and I was like is she 18 and he's like...you know her she the girl who thinks your insanely pretty and was at Wes grad party and the hotel party the other. I started FREAKING OUT I was like oh my god he last name is SMITH!? Oh my god oh my god...and I just started cracking up. He was like shes a whore and I was like yeah no shit and hes like whos she with now and I was like MY EXBOYFRIEND! ahhhhhhh! I don't like her anymore, even though she thinks Im like the prettiest girl in the world...which is nice...but still. She friends with my friends and Johns friends and I dont want to see him and any parties I go to. gah. I hope they start going out and she cheats on him at a party Im at and Ill like call him and be like hey come here and yeah. Thatd be great. mwahahahah. Anyways, I saw Charlie and The Chocolate Factory today, it was pretty good. Harry Potter midnight book party tonight at B&N! yessssss! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 14th, 2005|12:07 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Watching-Sabrina the Teenage Witch | ] |
Oh now I know why I'm obsessed with Michael...he has black hair and GREEN eyes, not blue I'm stupid, he's just like Harry Potter mwahahhahah. mwhahaahhahaahaha. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 13th, 2005|12:43 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Watching-Sabrina the Teenage Witch | ] |
Okay so, I can't stop thinking about Michael which is badbadbadbadbad and Jonathan keeps talking to me and says he can't stop thinking about me and blahblahblah and Im like oh my god why is this happening? Why the fuck am I thinking about Michael, I don't even fucking know him. Ahhhhhh! He's just so...hot...his eyes...I can't...AGH! I've never really like people with blue eyes but his are like fucking ice and hes got black hair and like that unshaven look about him or whatever and WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING!? Why am I talking about what he looks like? What the fuck is wrong with me? He's 21, he's going to be a junior at Texas Tech, he's Johns friend, I have a boyfriend, nothing can happen, I don't even have his number. I thinking maybe he doesn't even remember he was pretty drunk, but not that drunk. I wish I could blame it on my being drunk, but noooo, I'm just a whore. A stupid filthy fucking whore who went out 5 seconds later and made out with ANOTHER guy who is ALSO not her boyfriend. WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 12th, 2005|03:03 pm] |
Advanced Global Personality Test Results | Extraversion | |||||||||||| | 46% | | Stability | |||||||||||| | 50% | | Orderliness | |||||||||||||| | 56% | | Altruism | |||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Interdependence | |||||| | 23% | | Intellectual | |||||| | 30% | | Mystical | |||||||||| | 36% | | Artistic | |||||||||||| | 43% | | Religious | || | 10% | | Hedonism | |||||||||||||||||||| | 90% | | Materialism | |||||||||||||||||||| | 90% | | Narcissism | |||| | 16% | | Adventurousness | |||||||||||||||||| | 76% | | Work ethic | |||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Self absorbed | || | 10% | | Conflict seeking | |||||| | 30% | | Need to dominate | |||| | 16% | | | Romantic | |||||| | 23% | | Avoidant | |||||||||||||||||| | 76% | | Anti-authority | |||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Wealth | |||||||||||||||||| | 76% | | Dependency | |||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Change averse | |||||||||||| | 50% | | Cautiousness | |||||||||||| | 50% | | Individuality | |||||| | 30% | | Sexuality | |||||||||||||| | 56% | | Peter pan complex | |||||| | 23% | | Physical security | |||||||||||||||||||| | 90% | | Physical Fitness | |||||||||| | 37% | | Histrionic | |||||||||| | 36% | | Paranoia | |||||||||||||||||| | 76% | | Vanity | |||||||||| | 36% | | Hypersensitivity | |||||||||||||||| | 63% | | Female cliche | |||||||||||||||| | 70% | |
| Take Free Advanced Global Personality Testpersonality tests by similarminds.com |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 11th, 2005|12:35 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Watching-Toonheads! | ] |
Alright so this is how it goes down...up until I go to New Hampshre (July 30) I'm going to basically continue what I've been doing, going to the gym everyday and partying.
On wednesday Jeremiah and I are going to look at apartments on Wednesday, crazy I know. the scary thing is how serious I am about this. I'm quitting dance, getting a job, and moving out, going to college, and finishing high school all at the same time. It's going to be a crazy year.
I'm stopping shopping on ebay because I'm addicted and wasting money. After all my current bids are over I'm going to concentrate on selling my camera and my dell most of all. I'm going to try to start working at my dads in the morning some days so that I can have money to get all this done.
I'm starting to look at which college courses I can fit in after school. I'm going to concentrate on business and marketing. I think I really want to open a Flair Bar somewhere in Downtown Houston. So when I get back from N.H. I'm getting a part-time job in a restaurant so I can get use to that type of atmosphere. For my 18th Birthday I'm getting my dad to pay for Bartending School which takes 2-3 weeks then I'm going to work in a bar during college, practice flair bartending with TABC, and then hopefully open my own. It's so exciting I mean I love to party, I want to open my own business, I love tons of people and nightclub atmospheres. Flair Bar competitions are the coolest ever and every bartender I have is going to be a flairbartender. I know that kind of narrows down availility but I'll sacrafice so everyone can have a good time watching us. I've been researching for the past week what is takes to open a bar, the ups and downs of flair bartending, which kind of group to appeal to, the makings of a great bar. All that good shit and I'm getting so damn excited even though I can't even get into a bar for almost a whole year. Oh well. I'm getting started early. I'm going to B&N tomorrowto check out these books on bars and business. Oh I'm so excited.
But at the same time, yeah I'm really fucked up. I haven't gotten like over 2 hours of sleep every night for the past like week except for the day I spent the night at Mercis. I took 4 NyQuil when I got home at 12 and its not working so I guess I'll do some more research. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 4th, 2005|02:17 pm] |
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So I'm 17 now. Everything fucking sucks, I hate it all and yeah I wanna die. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 16th, 2005|10:02 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
Alright so everything sucks. We just had advisory and yeah...I have to do 20 hours of community service by June 30. Definitly not cool. So this past weekend was the worst of my entire life. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. And then theres him... okay yeah I can't even talk about this. I want to forget it all. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 15th, 2005|05:14 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Sublime-Garden Grove | ] |
Wow, I get halfway through an entry, start bawling, and delete it. I disgust myself. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 13th, 2005|07:39 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
Wow, so I'm majorly depressed. I don't know what's going on anymore. Didn't go to school again yesterday because I didn't fall asleep till 4am and I felt like shit. My mom thinks I have mono. I think I'm dying. I haven't eaten so much as a piece of gum in almost 2 days and I have absolutely no energy and just typing this is making my shoulders hurt. I can't go home and take nap cuz I have to pick up Christina at 3 and then Bri, Kara, and Blake at 3:30. Take Bri and Kara to Kens, drop blake off at the studio at 4 where I'm meeting natasha and we're going to finish up our choreography project since it's tomorrow fucking morning. Ray is back at school which means this period is bearable again. He spent the last week in a mental hospital again cuz he was hearing things. He just left to go to the nurse because his medicine was making him dizzy. Fuck this, I'm going to go get a pregnancy test after school. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 11th, 2005|07:28 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Misfits-Last Caress | ] |
Alright, so guess who decides to call me last night. Yeah, John. So I'm on the phone with Jeremiah around 11:30 and my phone starts beebing. I look at it and it says John is calling so I'm like Jeremiah someone is calling me I'll call you back in a bit, don't wait for him to say anything and switch over. Johns like 'Hey alex, what's up?' So then we start talking and I said something to the degree of 'I'm suprised you're calling me' and he tell me not to be and thats hes been an ass lately and he should call me more often. I invited him to the party this saturday that me and Jonathan are throwing at my dads cuz he's out of town, but it turns out he has to work. He was all pissed, it was cute. So he asked what I was doing sunday, then friday, and tomorrow (um..today) and said we should hang out today so...thats what we're doing. I'm supposed to call him after school, when he said that I was like 'Are you actually going to pick up your phone this time.' He replied 'Yeah, I will actually pick up my phone this time. uhm...sorry about those other times' I said it was okay. Somewhere in there I was on the phone with Matt B and said hey to Matt C. too many matts, but I love them. So I don't really know if by hanging out, we're just hanging out, or what. After about 10 minutes we hung up and I called Jeremiah back. I was stuck somewhere in between being really happy and crying so all I could do was laugh. So Jeremiahs like what's so funny. I really didn't know. This is like, the last chance John has. If he doesn't answer again thats it. I say that now, but I know if he calls me again in two weeks or a month or whatever I'll be passive and just let him do it again. I hate that he can do that and I hate that I'm that pathetic. well what can you do anyways? I'm excited...I miss him, it's sick, but I do. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 9th, 2005|04:29 pm] |
I'm readng a book called Smashed. It's an amazing book that reads all to closely to the story of my life. I can't put it down and everytime I do I become solemn and depressed because, even though the book is down, I am living the story. Usually books are read to escape reality, I am reading mine. I find myself picking up the book 10 minutes later to see where Koren with wind up next, where I will wind up next.
Since I read Merci's comment I've been on a downward spiral of realization. It said I am so much better than what I'm doing to myself and I wan't to believe that but everytime I start to, I realize...if I was indeed better than this then why am I doing it to begin with and I just come to face the fact that I am, truely, this pathetic and deserving. Every body harming hobby I take on is deserved. I deserve the part of my brain that is destroyed when I take that one tab, I enjoy the destruction of my liver and lungs by the disgusting chemicals I intake. I am okay with being used by Jeremiah because right now it's the only way I feel a certain emotion...to be wanted? No, to be needed. He doesn't want me, he doesn't care if it's ME or anybody else. But he NEEDS someone, and that someone at the moment is me.
It's getting disgusting really, what I do and the fact that I don't know why I do it. I don't have time to kill, or money to throw away, I don't live in the ghetto, I don't come froma a bad family. This is all me, which quite possibly makes it worse. I have no scapegoat. Yet I'm constantly on the prowl for my new best friend, the dealer. I used to be cautious and not deal with shit with the people at school, I wouldn't buy or party with them. But now, that caution is gone and I'm getting what I dread, but deserve, a rep around the school.
I think that I should right a book. I should recount the differences of a private verse public high school and how it changes people no matter how hard you deny it. I want to print all my xanga entries and these entries. Edit and publish, edit and publish. But this phase is yet to be over, and I don't know if it's going to have a happy ending. Or a ending at all. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 6th, 2005|07:31 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
siiiiiigh. I've got to get through this period and next period and then it's off to a beautiful day at Astroworld. yayyy. Im so excited. Annnnd I have no dance this weekend and I'm going to sleep ALL weekend. mmmm...sleep. Maybe I'll take a nap on the way to Six Flags...I doubt it. buses are loud and bumpy. So Jeremiah called me yesterday and he wasn't with Celest, he was stuck at his dads so he wasn't even at school. So I guess whatever, not like I should care or anything. Yeah well Merci, haha, I like this journal because you're the only one who reads it, no one else knows about it. Thats why in my xanga I don't really write much. Here is where I actually write whats happening. So in replying to your comment, I know somehow that I can do better, but I like don't believe it or something or like don't think I deserve anything better. I don't really know but yeah, you're right, it is sad. And I don't know whats worse not knowing what Im doing is fucked up or knowing and continuing. either way really...
Well I guess Ill stop thinking now before I give myself a headache. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 5th, 2005|09:30 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Atreyu-Demonology & Heartache | ] |
Ummm yeah. Today is kind of a depressing day. I didn't want to come to school this morning. But I mean come on...I skipped all monday, 8th on tuesday, 5, 6, 7, and 8th yesterday and Im going to be at astroworld all day tomorrow so I mean I've gotta be here today. And yeah I dunno Celest skipped this period and I know she's with Jeremiah and I hate that because I hate her and I want to wring her neck. I felt really sick this morning when I was getting ready and I'm so like fatigued today. aghhhh. So Im like depressed and I don't know something Amanda said last period about like her boyfriend doesn't want her to feel used or something so blahblahblah and about her needing to feel wanted and I was like is that why Im doing this? What am I doing, why, theres something wrong here. So I don't and Im just all fucked up and depressed and tired and fatigued and still kinda sick to my stomach and worried I might be pregnant. Oh and he told me he'd kill me if I killed it...and he was serious. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 3rd, 2005|09:24 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hot | ] |
| [ | music |
| | misfits-saturday night | ] |
Alright, so saturday night was so freaking hilarious. Got kinda drunk at my step-sisters suprise birthday party, left that, went to s different party. Some kid who is friends with Royce walked and on me and Jeremiah having sex. oops. It was so funny, I just couldn't stop laughing, ahaha, I still can't. So then I went back to my step-sisters party and got sooo wasted. It was awesome. Then sunday I got a red woody woodpecker. tehehehe. don't ask. But if I am pregnant, I feel kinda bad because Im like doing all this shit you know, and like yeaaah. I'm gonna like kill it before I even know if I have it. jeeeeeeeewizzz. I mean I hate kids but poor baby. I won't know if I am for another like 3 weeks or a month basically. shit.
Highlight of yesterday: We had a break in ballet for like 5 minutes so I went into the bathroom to blow my nose and Caroline was leaving so I blow it and Im leaving and Caroline comes back in and says 'Hey what have you been doing to lose weight. you look so good!' I was like aw thanks, and started talking about atkins. It was just really sweet and made me feel really good. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 27th, 2005|09:46 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
Yep, Im back from Abilene now and unfortunately in school. RDA was fun and I got to miss school which was a plus. I actually didn't gain any weight (suprise!) so Im still winning by a long shot. go me! But yes, I am sick because of John F...people theres a lesson here: don't make out with anyone who has an upper respiratory infection!
Yesterday was...interesting...uhm, yeah...had sex with Jeremiah...twice. yeaaaaaa. oops? condom...no. how fucking awesome AGAIN. kinda scared. Hes got court today, oo fun. Well friday is early release and next friday we go to astroworld instead of school, woohoo! go physics day! Shit its almost may where the fuck did my Junior year go? haha. cool. Two months from today is my 17th birthday. yayyy. Today is going way to slow for comfort. oh well
Im liking this class right now, celest is right there and I've just got this like little voice comforting me in my head saying 'haha...I fucked your ex last night! Take that you fucking MORMAN BITCH!' ahahahah, cool |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 15th, 2005|09:31 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | excited | ] |
Oh man am I behiiiiiind in this class. 3 test grade assignments due. wooo hooo. I hate this kinda work though...go on the internet...due this comprehensive reading...make up multiple choice questions about it so I can take those questions and use them on my tests so I don't have to do it myself. agh! die! So anyways, I wasn't planning on being here today to tell the truth...I was gonna be with John, but some how it didn't work out...again. All of a sudden it smells like honey mustard sauce in here and Im really hungary. mmmmmmmm...mustard...
Last night I had tap, then I had to make up a class then I had my class and we had Antoine cuz Mishas in New York. jkhdsflzkhdfg. It was so freaking hard. We did our set class we usually so with Misha but he made us do certain combinations over and over again. agh. We were combined with the lower class and they don't know our class so they were lost and he got mad and we kept having to do it and I was like agh! aggghhh!But AMBER PUT ME IN THE JAZZ DANCE, Im so freakin excited, the highest class always has the cooloest dance and now...im in it. mwahhaha. So anywho I can't wait. And RDA is next weekend woohoo and we got our roomie list last night and I got Patty, Natasha, and Briana, just like we wanted. fuckin score. I get to wear my pretty dress and skirts and be pretty and....yay! hahahaha! Im getting my haircut today...and maybe redying it, not sure. HORSEBACK RIDING TOMORROW! wooohooo. Im ready for the day to end...it's only 9:30-fuckin-8 |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 5th, 2005|09:21 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | exhausted | ] |
I didn't sleep much last night. I went to sleep around midnight, woke up at 3:30, my stomach was hurting so I took a bath then fell into like restless sleep around 4:30 where I was pretty much half awake listening to my tv until I got up at 6:30. I was like shit. I've got no time to nap today, I've got a doctors appointment at 3, thatll probably take 1 hour, then 30 minutes to get to dance. Then dance from 5 to like 10:15. And I have a major assignment due tomorrow in this class that I really just don't want to do. wow, I don't have anything else to say. amazing |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 4th, 2005|09:32 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  melancholy | ] |
Im in a weird mood today. Amanda isn't here today so 2nd was pretty boring. I decided to go to the office and turn in my note instead of go to the table and talk to people so I did that and saw a bunch of people I know and rarely see. On my was to advisory from there I saw John S...and, as always, he glared at me. I just wanted to be like 'judge me? FUCK YOU!' (my favorite words from an atreyu song) And punch him in the face. He doesn't even fuckin know me and he hates me. whatever. I spent this weekend at my dads it was okay. Lately the only thing on tv I watch is cartoons because they freakin rock but I finally have a favorite show thats not a cartoon, GREYS ANATOMY is the best show on earth. I looooooooovvvvvve it. I also like Desperate Housewives but thats kinda lost its oomph since it first came out. But it comes in second. so cool. Im tired and Ive got a lot of work today but we finally have the computer dealio situation at home figured out so I can finally work on shit on the computer at home and actually print it. yay. go me. I guess Im gonna go. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 1st, 2005|09:37 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | A Perfect Murder-Unbroken Home | ] |
So yesterday Jeremiah ended up riding to my house with me cuz he figured my mom wouldn't start shit with him there, which is true. We grabbed my dance stuff, left and went to his apartment. We watched the end of pottie tang, stupidest movie ever. And some of Alien Resurrection. He was like cuddling me like we were going out and he'd give me squeeze every once and a while and pet my head and kiss my head. He was being really sweet but confusing the hell out of me. It was nice cuz thats what I really need right now, just to feel something, anything, from anybody you know. So it was sweet but confusing. I left at 4:30 cuz he had to go to work and i had to go to tap. After that I went home and shut myself in my room until ballet, then after that came home and took a shower and Jeremiah called me. I got to sleep around 11. Didn't sleep to well. Today I decided to be cute and wore my jean skirt and black collored shirt. Go me. I have to go home after school today which sucks but the best buy people are coming over to hook up my mom and Is computer to the wireless dealio and roadrunner and whatnot. So I have to deal with that. |
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bathroomgrafiti's journal